


I still trust you (even after all this)

by necromimetics



Series: Even after all this [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Crying, Cuddling, Discussions of Suicide, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Written pre-3x20, the 3 c’s, the immortality talk, what else could you need in a fanfic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 06:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18733123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necromimetics/pseuds/necromimetics
Summary: “You,” he said simply, looking Alec straight in the eyes. “You’re the choice I can live with. I’ve made this choice over and over again and it’s always been you, Alexander. How can you not see that?”—————-Rated H for healthy communication and talking through your insecurities with ur partner in a mutually supportive environment. Very sexy.Warning for discussions of suicide.Written before 3x20.Technically part 3 of Even After All This but can definitely be read as a stand-alone work.





	I still trust you (even after all this)

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to get this out about 2 weeks ago but...y’know, life.  
> Anyways, here is is, the last part! Hope everyone enjoys!

It was an almost sickeningly domestic scene. Alec, relaxed back in one of Magnus’s couches. Magnus himself, laid out on his side across the remainder of it, legs slightly curled in, head resting on Alec’s lap, eyes closed contentedly. One of Alec’s hands played absentmindedly with Magnus’s hair, alternating between carding through the length of it and gently massaging at the warlock’s scalp.

Magnus made a noise that he would later protest was _not_ a purr when Alec scratched his blunt nails slightly at his hairline. The noise made a lazy smile play across Alec’s relaxed features. 

Magnus had been released from Catarina’s care only a few hours ago, with a promise from Alec to make sure he didn’t over-exert himself. Since they’d returned to the loft, they had barely moved from this position, content to revel in each other’s presence in comfortable silence, only punctuated by the small noises Magnus would make on occasion.

It was Alec who finally broke that silence.

“I missed this.”

Magnus hummed in agreement, not quite wanting to break the spell and return to reality yet. The warlock made a noise of protest when Alec’s hand moved from his hair and settled on his chin, gently turning his head so he was facing upwards.

Magnus cracked one eye open lazily at the movement, rolling the rest of his body so he was laying on his back and looking up at Alec expectantly. In response, the shadowhunter just smiled and leaned down to press a kiss against Magnus’s lips. Their positioning made it a bit awkward, but they still managed, Magnus laughing a bit into the kiss as Alec tried to tilt his head enough to kiss the warlock properly. After they broke apart, Alec moved his head up slightly to press a soft kiss to Magnus’s forehead before returning to playing with his hair, leaning back on the couch once more.

Magnus rolled back over onto his side, facing outward and stretching his legs a little. Alec slung his free arm over his warlock’s waist protectively.

Magnus reached down for Alec’s hand, interlacing the fingers with his own and draping it a bit higher over his side so he could bring their clasped hands up to his lips and press a gentle kiss the back of Alec’s hand. As soon as Magnus released his hand, Alec again broke the silence.

“You’re beautiful.” The words were almost reverent, spoken as Alec trailed one hand down Magnus’s side and over his thigh, his other hand toying absentmindedly with the warlock’s ear cuff. 

A small smile played across Magnus’s lips.

“You know, a man could get used to this type of treatment.”

“I hope he does,” Alec responded casually.

Magnus grinned. 

“I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you too.” 

Alec considered his options for a moment, letting the love declarations hang in the air as he continued to trail his fingers along Magnus’s body. On one hand, he really didn’t want to disturb the current peace- and Magnus seemed even less willing than he was. On the other, at some point they had to talk about all of this. 

“Magnus...we need to talk.” 

Pinpricks of fear spread through Magnus despite himself, needling at his insecurities and drawing out memories of Alec just a few days beforehand.

_“I need a break...from us.”_

Faking nonchalance, Magnus tilted his head a little to look up at Alec.

“What about?” 

“We haven’t talked about anything that happened...not really. Magnus, you could still lose your magic and I...”

“Don’t want to stand by and watch me suffer for the rest of our lives?” Magnus supplied, and Alec winced at his own words being thrown back at him. 

“I just want to make sure you’re making the choice that you can live with,” Alec replied, his voice low and serious. 

It took every bit of Magnus’s willpower to sit up, pulling himself from the safety and comfort of being curled in Alec’s lap. 

“You,” he said simply, looking Alec straight in the eyes. “You’re the choice I can live with. I’ve made this choice over and over again and it’s always been you, Alexander. How can you not see that?” 

Alec closed his eyes and let Magnus’s words pass over him like a wave, gently washing away his worries.

He opened his eyes again slowly, and Magnus was still staring at him, a gentle look of concern gracing his face.

“Alexander, how can you think so lowly of yourself that you don’t understand that I will always choose you?” Magnus settled a hand on Alec’s leg. “You’ve always chosen me too. Over your parents, over your duty.” 

The warlock focused a more serious gaze on the man seated next to him. 

“If you had to choose...between your identity,” Magnus reached up and traced his thumb along the deflect rune on Alec’s neck, “between your runes...and me...what would you choose?” 

“You. Of course, you.” The response was so immediate it made Magnus smile. 

“See? It’s not too hard of a choice.” Magnus looped one arm around Alec’s neck and leaned in for a kiss.

“I’m going to die.” 

The outburst was sudden, but Alec’s voice was as steady as ever. 

Magnus retreated and blinked slowly. 

“I’m going to die,” Alec repeated, turning away from Magnus. “I don’t know when. Maybe a demon will kill me next week. Or I’ll die of old age in fifty years. Could be another shadowhunter, in a couple years. I’ve heard rumors about Circle members regrouping.”

He says it all so casually, as if he were telling Magnus about paperwork or discussing the weather. 

“And if I don’t die young, in thirty years I’ll be over fifty. I won’t look the same way I do now. And I won’t be able to keep up with you. Ten, twenty years after that I’ll probably be barely functional. The shadowhunter lifestyle isn’t exactly kind on the body. You won’t want to be seen with me. You won’t want to take care of me. Couple years later and I’m dead.”

He turned back to the warlock.

“And if you stay with me and let your magic get taken away again, you will be too.” 

Magnus was silent, seemingly frozen. After a moment, he shook his head slightly. 

“Alexander...you should know by now I don’t care if you get old. I love you, all of you, and I wouldn’t mind at all taking care of you as you age. Honestly, I can’t wait for your retirement.” Magnus smiled up at Alec, trying to defuse a bit of the tension in the room. “Just the two of us, home alone all day, no distractions...” Magnus wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “And besides, I have all kinds of potions and spells to help with the aches and pains that come with aging. And of course, for the...other complications.” Magnus’s gaze, focused on Alec’s lap, was anything but subtle. 

“I guess I’m just a little worried...I don’t know. I don’t like thinking about it. But...I’m worried that you’ll...” Alec’s voice dropped low, the last word barely falling from his lips, “leave.” 

“You worry far too much, Alexander. I’m not going to run off with some young, pretty shadowhunter the second you turn forty,” Magnus teased. 

When Alec remained silent, Magnus brushed his knuckles gently along the other man’s cheek. “I don’t love you because you’re a powerful shadowhunter, or because you have the body of a Greek god.” Magnus smirked, eyes trailing down Alec’s torso. “Although, both those things are very true and, to be frank, no complaints here.” He brought his eyes back up to Alec’s face. “I love because of who you are. The same way you loved me without my magic.” 

The combination of Magnus’s playful flirting and teasing mixed with his sincere reassurances managed to coax a small smile out of Alec. As soon as it graced his lips, Magnus leaned in and pressed a kiss right against Alec’s smile. 

“Positive reinforcement,” he supplied in response to Alec’s quirked eyebrow. 

When Alec opened his mouth to reply, Magnus held a finger up to his lips. 

“Quiet, my love. I’m not done.” 

Magnus reached over and clasped one of Alec’s hands in both of his own, not wanting to break the peaceful atmosphere he’d managed to regain, but also knowing that he had to try to work through the rest of Alec’s insecurities before the other man would truly relax. 

“I know you’re scared of dying, Alexander.” 

At these words, Alec set his jaw, turning his head away. 

“It’s alright. Even soldiers, even leaders, fear death. And you know I don’t like thinking about this anymore than you do.”

Magnus brought one hand up and gently turned Alec’s head back to face him. 

“Alexander, I don’t want to live without you. I can’t imagine...I don’t want to imagine...a world where you’re gone.” He let out a shaky breath. “There are no easy solutions for this. As long as you keep your mortality and I keep my immortality...I will have to deal with the reality that you will pass before me.” Stroking a thumb along Alec’s cheekbone, Magnus continued. “But my love, we have decades to think about this. There are...options.”

Alec gave him a puzzled look. 

“Options?”

Magnus faltered, unsure if he wanted to bring any of this up. 

“Well...yes...there are...immortality rituals so to speak. Ancient magic. None of it without risk, none of it without sacrifice. And besides...I would never ask you to watch your family...” Magnus shook his head, unable to say it out loud. After a moment, he continued. “I know firsthand how hard it can be to outlive those you love.”

Magnus clenched his jaw, trying to regulate his breathing as to not portray how nervous he was. 

Alec leaned back, his head tilting upwards slightly. 

“Immortality.” There was a moment of heavy silence before Alec continued. “I think I’d like to...look into the options sometime...” 

Magnus’s heart sang. Eternity with Alexander, his Alexander. Now that was a future worth fighting for. 

Alec spoke again, voice soft.

“And if I don’t? Or it doesn’t work? What will you do after I die?”

Magnus answered as honestly as he could.

“I don’t know, Alexander. I don’t know what I’ll do.” He took a shaky breath. “I could always...come with you.”

Alec’s blood ran cold. “You can’t mean...”

Magnus sighed, reaching out for Alec’s hand and holding it tightly in his own. “My dear Alexander, why do you think you’ve never met a warlock from Ancient Rome? We are immortal but eventually we die, somehow. Many warlocks choose to...go out on their own terms. Once you’ve lived long enough, boredom starts to set in.”

“I don’t want...you can’t...” Alec’s voice sounded so small. 

Magnus squeezed his hand. 

“A good life lived will have been one with you in it, Alexander. To peacefully go with the one I love...I can imagine nothing better. I’ve lived lifetimes upon lifetimes and never found anything or anyone worth that.”

“I don’t understand.” Alec’s voice was still so small. “Magnus, you’ve been alive for centuries. You’ve loved before me...surely you’ll love after. How could you be okay with giving that up...for me?” 

Magnus’s voice came quietly. He removed his hand from Alec’s and clasped it with his other in his lap. His eyes trained downwards on his clasped hands, knuckles white.

“You’re right, Alexander. You don’t understand.” His voice was shaking. “I’ve loved before. But not like this...never like this.” When Magnus looked up, there were tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. Alec immediately took Magnus’s face in both his hands, gently wiping away the now-falling tears with his thumbs. 

“Magnus...” he breathed out, unsure of what to say. 

Magnus gave a shaky smile. “You’ve unlocked something in me.” The warlock wrapped his arms around Alec, moving closer to him in a silent plea. 

_“Hold me.”_

And Alec did, wrapping one strong arm around Magnus’s waist and tucking the warlock’s head under his chin, free hand coming up to cradle the other man’s head. 

Magnus rested his head against Alec’s chest, desperately trying to match his breathing to the steady rise and fall, trying to block out everything other than the warm embrace and the sure beat of Alec’s heart. 

“When you left...” Magnus made another futile attempt at controlling his breathing. “It broke me, Alexander.” The warlock’s voice was shaking, breaking with every other word, half-suppressed sobs pushing through. “I wanted-I wanted to erase my memories of you. So it would stop hurting. I felt like I was falling apart. I can’t do that ever again, I can’t, I can’t.” 

Lips brushed against his hair and Alec’s voice filtered through the static in his brain. 

“It’s alright, Magnus. You can let go.” 

And so he cried. He clung to Alec, hands fisted in the soft material of his t-shirt, and he cried. 

When Magnus came back to himself he felt exhausted. His face was still pressed against Alec’s chest, the dark blue material of his shirt stained with smeared makeup. Alec was still holding him, one hand rubbing soothing circles into the small of Magnus’s back, nose buried in his hair, pressing gentle kisses to the top of his head and whispering sweet nothings Magnus couldn’t even register. 

When Alec realized the tears had somewhat subsided, he shifted a little bit, but Magnus just clung tighter, silently praying to the angels that Alec just let him stay here a little longer. 

Alec seemed to get the message and settled back, still holding Magnus close to his chest. The warlock moved his head a little, sniffling into Alec’s t-shirt before letting his forehead rest against the crook of the shadowhunter’s neck, lips pressing soundless words into his collarbone. 

When Magnus finally regained the ability to speak, he moved back slightly and looked up at Alec. 

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry you had to...”

Alec’s brow furrowed. 

“What are you talking about, Magnus. You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I...I had no idea how much it would hurt you.”

“How could you have? I’ve never really...taken the time to make you understand how much you mean to me.”

Alec tilted his head, confused. 

“Hey, Magnus.” The shadowhunter’s voice was soothing. “That’s not true. You’ve always made me feel important. I know...I know you love me. It’s just...” Alec shook his head. “This is all very new to me still. And you...you’re immortal...and beautiful and incredible and...even though I know you love me so much I always knew there would be someone after me who you love just as much.”

When Magnus remained silent, going a little limp in Alec’s arms, Alec continued nervously.

“And that’s okay! There’s nothing wrong...there’s nothing wrong with that. After I’m gone I...I still want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.” 

A smile tugged at the corners of Magnus’s lips at his overeager boyfriend. 

“You forget that all of this is new for me too.” 

Alec gave him that confused, puppy-dog look.

“I told you, Alexander. And I’ll tell you a million times until you get it through that beautiful head of yours.” Magnus sat up to tap a finger against Alec’s temple. “I’ve never had a love like this. And...to be quite honest.” Magnus gave Alec a gentle smile. “I’m still not quite sure what to do with it. All I know is I want to hold onto it...onto you...for as long as I possibly can. No matter what happens.”

“Yeah...” Alec muttered softly, pulling Magnus back into his arms. “Me too.” 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Alec spoke.

“So...about that immortality thing...” 

Magnus presses a finger to Alec’s lips.

“Another time, my dear. Besides...”

Magnus sighed, finally deciding to face the part of this conversation he had been avoiding. “It may very well be...unnecessary.”

“We don’t have to talk about this, if you don’t want to. Not now,” Alec offered gently, but Magnus shook his head.

“No. You were right before. We do need to talk about it.” 

A moment of silence as Alec gave Magnus time to organize his thoughts, resting a hand on the warlock’s leg reassuringly. 

“I won’t let Asmodeus take my magic back without a fight.” Magnus’s voice was full of resolve. “But I’m prepared for that outcome, if it comes to that. I’ll still choose you. I just...I have to know that you’ll be by my side.”

Magnus looked up and made careful eye contact with Alec. 

“Part of the reason it got as bad as it did when I lost my magic before is because I tried to hide everything from you. I tried to pretend I was fine.” 

“And I believed you,” Alec cut in. “I wasn’t there for you like I should have been because I wanted so badly to believe you were okay. That you would be okay growing old with me.” 

“I would be, in some ways. Like I said, I don’t want to live in a world without you. It’s just...more complicated than that. Losing my immortality was one thing, losing my magic was something else. And then I just cut myself off from all the people who could help me. I cut myself off from you. If I lose everything again.” Magnus took a shaky breath. “I need you to be there. To let me break down and hurt and mourn. Don’t let me run away from you, and don’t let me pretend I’m alright. Promise me, Alexander.”

Alec nodded slowly. “Of course, Magnus. Whatever you need, I’ll be there. Always.”

Some of the tension seeped out of Magnus with that proclamation. 

“Thank you, Alexander.”

Alec leaned in to press a chaste kiss to Magnus’s lips.

“No matter what happens, I’ll always be by your side. I’ll always fight for you.” 

The gentle kiss. The sincere tone and kind resolve in Alec’s voice. The hand that reached over to squeeze his own reassuringly. It was all too much for Magnus and he felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes again and he threw himself into Alec’s arms, face buried in the crook of his neck.

“Did I say something wrong?” Alec’s nervous voice brought a smile to Magnus’s face, hidden against Alec’s collarbone and the warlock shook his head emphatically. 

“I’m just...really happy.” Magnus confessed, pulling his head away and wiping tears from the corner of his eyes. 

Upon hearing the words, a grin spread across Alec’s face. 

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> send me prompts/ideas on tumblr @cursedlightwood  
> No rules and no guarantees but if the inspiration strikes me I’ll fill em on here!
> 
> As always comments and kudos are my lifeblood so please tell me what you think! Y’all dont understand whenever I get a comment I just smile at my phone for like 5 minutes straight like an idiot. I eat that shit up.


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